


Healing

by Spooky66



Series: Prompts [66]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Cancer Arc, Episode: s04e14 Memento Mori, F/M, xf porn battle 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 06:30:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14889413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spooky66/pseuds/Spooky66
Summary: A sad sweet cancer arc story written for the tumblr porn battle. Not as sexy and smutty as I'd originally wanted it to be. More romantic and sweet.





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> 30: Scully finds a letter Mulder has written talking about all the things he wants to do to her

I walk around Mulder’s apartment awkwardly, wondering what I should be doing until he wakes up. It’s been a week since his little ‘trip’ in Rhode Island. He’s still out of it, mostly just exhausted. Add in some problems with his short-term memory and the mild hallucinations and he’s left his apartment only to go to the doctor under my supervision.

He’s been distant toward me, and though we haven’t discussed it, I know why. Unbidden, an image of him pointing a gun at me looking all too ready to pull the trigger comes to mind. I shake my head hoping to dispel the image.

His biggest complaint, besides my constant watchful presence, is the mandated therapy he’s been going to every day.

Getting him in the car to go is like convincing a toddler it’s time to get a shot. He drags his feet, complains to the high heavens, and even tries to fake illness to get out of it. I am currently an hour early to make sure he doesn’t try to make a quick escape and because I know how long it takes to get him to the car. 

But I’m a believer in therapy so I push him. He’s had too much on his mind. The cancer has taken as much of a toll on him as it has on me and I feel like I’m watching him fade more and more each day.

I worry about what he will do once I’m gone.

I spy his therapy notebook on the table and look away. His therapist had given it to him on his first day and since then Mulder has scarcely let it out of his sight.  
He knows that I wonder what is going on in his mind so he guards it jealously, worried that I will take a peak.

And he’s right because as I hear his heavy breathing from the bedroom and see his unattended journal my hands burn with the desire to read it.

I want to be inside his mind and know him.

I wonder why he is so protective of it around me.

Is there something about me in there? Maybe how he truly feels?

He kissed me in the hallway of the hospital but since then has made no moves. It makes me wonder if that kiss was just pity or desperation. At the moment it had felt significant but he’s been so hot and cold since.

With these thoughts tumbling through my head I can’t resist the journal.

_This is stupid. I hate it but Dr. Collaway said he will check to see if I’ve written in it so I don’t really have a choice. He said he won’t read it. Totally private._ _He wants me to just write my stream of consciousness._  
_No one wants to be inside my head though._  
_I almost killed Scully. Nearly shot her._  
_I’ve made a decision. When I am better I’m going to tell Skinner she can’t work anymore. I will make up whatever kind of bullshit I need to, but she needs to get away from me._

__

I clench my teeth against the red-hot anger and it takes a moment for me to get my mind settled. The next couple pages feature Mulder listing every way he believes he’s failed me. It all makes me want to weep.

_Scully._  
_These days she’s all I think about. I need her. What will I do without her? Maybe I’ll be like one of those Sati’s who would throw themselves on their husband’s funeral pyre. There was a text I read that described the women and the practice as Sativrata. Denoting the woman who decides to die with her husband as his proctor when he’s alive and in death. I can bury myself with her because what is the point once she is gone._  


This makes me cry. It also makes me angry. How dare he tie up his life in mine like that? Making his death my fault.  
But his beautiful words win over and I just want to hold him.  
The next entry is different. The writing more erratic and the words take on a different tone.  


_I want her so bad. Today she walked into the basement office smelling of Jasmine and I wanted to take her right there. The way her hair falls around her face so perfectly. How her pink tongue will dart out to wet her lips. I want it to wet mine. Then I’d slide my tongue down her body, exploring all of her most hidden places. Holding her in place and making her moan until she forgets the cancer. Maybe bend her over the desk right there in our office. It’d be symbolic. The place where we first met and the place we first make love._

My face is hot and I squeeze my legs together. I see that it continues on and I can’t help myself, I need to read it.

_Sometimes on the road, I’ll hear her shower and consider just joining her. I’ll imagine her slippery pale body and how it would feel under my hands. Those nights I cum quickly while she’s in the shower and I try not to moan her name. When I think about her possible death I consider taking her to bed softly. Moving with her telling her all of my regrets and hopes. That I love her. I’d leave marks on her skin so that I’d be with her everywhere._  
_The curves of her body. Her graceful movements and confident walk._  
_There are days when she talks about various scientific theories and I have to fight the urge to take her wherever we are._  
_Her mind. It’s so perfect. She’s so perfect. So challenging and honest._

And I’m crying again. Devastated, hopeful, joyous, and turned on. The different emotions fight for control but I push forward, needing to know more.

_I’ll drink from her as if she were the fountain of youth. Maybe we can heal each other. Maybe my overwhelming desire and love can drive away the disease the has it’s hold on her. I can worship between her legs with such devotion that the cancer knows I won’t let her go._

I don’t hear Mulder.

“What the hell?” He mumbles behind me.

I jump a mile and wipe my tears awkwardly away.

He snatches the journal from my hand and narrows his eyes at me.

I close mine and drop my head.

“I’m sorry Mulder.” I say quietly.

Mulder sighs heavily.

“What did you read?”

“Not much.”

“Scully.”

“Mulder… I-“

“Jesus Scully.” He looks distraught now, “I’m sorry, I know it’s inappropriate but I just- the doctor said to write my thoughts and-“ He groans, covers his face, and lowers himself to his couch.

The room is silent, both of us waiting for the other to say something.

I make the first move and move my hand to his head. I begin stroking his soft hair and take a step closer so I can lay his head against my stomach.

“None of this is your fault.” I whisper, “I’d be lost if you were not here with me. But make no mistake, if you tell Skinner I’m not fit for duty I will kill you.”

He lets out a strangled chuckle and looks up at me.

His eyes are rimmed red, wet, and filled with emotion. I can never resist those eyes.

Cupping his face I kiss his forehead.

“I was just talking big. I’d never be able to continue the X files without you.”

I continue to hold his head against me and stroke my fingers through his hair.

“About the other stuff- Scully- I’m sorry. I know it crosses the line- many lines-“

Then I can’t help it. I kneel between his legs and kiss him.

It’s chaste and sweet.

His brows drawn together he looks at me like a lost puppy.

I move closer to him and kiss him deeper this time. He moans against my lips and forces them open to accept his tongue. Taking his hands from my waist I move them to cover my breasts.

“Tell me more about the plans you have for us.”

He smiles gratefully and pulls me close again.

And maybe he’s right; maybe our love will heal me.

Stranger things have happened.


End file.
